Guys! I am at a perilous level of psychitude right now! Today is TMI Thursday, which is hosted, of course, by the lovely and hilarious LiLu of Livit, Luvit — but instead of dazzling you with tales of head-butting guys in the crotch or accidentally menstruating on not-pregnant women, I take a day off to present you with A VERY EXCITING GUEST BLOG!
LiLu herself — the tsarina of TMI — is here today to share her own tale of awkward, awkward woe. And, just in case that isn’t enough for you delightful vultures, allow me to disclaim, to your friggin’ delight, that NUDITY IS INVOLVED.
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So. Hi there. I’m LiLu from Livit, Luvit, and I’m about to dirty up this place a bit with a Thursday Tale of TMI. (Check ‘em all out here, if you’re not, yanno, a total Wuss with a capital W.)
“That Kind of Girl” is one of my very favoritest new blog discoveries, because her format is so different and adorable and well-written and, as Family Guy has said about Hugh Grant, “charmingly befuddled”. Though she is just a tad (coughcoughWAYcough) more sophisticated than I, we undeniably share one thing in common…
Making a jackass out of ourselves. Preferably in public.
The only difference?
She does it for sport. And blog fodder.
I do it because I can’t help it.
Life is hard.
Anytwaddle, when she asked me if I would guest post an experience in her format, where I do something outside of my natural instincts, I thought long and hard (TWSS)…
And then realized the one thing I have left, the one secret, the one characteristic none of you would guess about me, especially considering all the times I’ve joked about stripping for Jesus or openly discussed things of sexual and/or personal womanly nature in my TMI Thursdays…
I cannot STAND being naked in front of strangers.
Wait, when I say it that way, it doesn’t sound so weird. Okay, let me rephrase.
I cannot STAND being naked in the locker room at work where I am constantly surrounded by 50 something women who could care less that their dirty pillows and baby caves are freeballing in the wind, while I’m frantically scurrying next to them to pull my underoos up under the towel I’m awkwardly hunched underneath while sort of trying to hide IN my locker.
Yeah. I’m that girl.
The Kind of Girl Who cannot bear to be naked in front of other women in a locker room.
I know, I know! It makes no sense. ME, of all people. ME, who is beginning to think “shame” must be a foreign word, because it means nothing to me.
I can’t help it… somewhere deep in my DNA is written “be deathly afraid of strange women who might judgeth thou’s back jiggle”. And it sure doesn’t help that, since my gym is in my office building, I have to see the majority of these ladies in the halls at some point, and desperately try NOT to recall what they looked like an hour ago as they strolllllllllled from the shower to their locker in the birthday suit, towel wrapped ILLOGICALLY around their head instead of their torso (What. The. EFF!!!!!) I don’t know why… it’s not that I’m ashamed. I look pretty damn good, especially compared to most of them. It’s just… I don’t know. In the words of Charlotte York, I DID NOT COME FROM A NAKED FAMILY.
So, this brings us to my little (personal) social experiment. In order to overcome this Self Truism, I would have to do the unthinkable…
And walk across the locker room nekkid as a jaybird.
LiLu has a name and it’s P-E-T-R-I-F-I-E-D.
So, yesterday, it was down to the wire. I’d promised That Kind of Girl the post and I’m no post-wencher. I hit the gym, worked out extraaaa long in a futile attempt to postpone the inevitable, and finally walked into the locker room- trembling, and not just from the workout- to Do The Deed.
I got out of the shower, toweled off, sighed dramatically even though no one could hear me, wadded up my belongings with optimal positioning in front of my hooha and funbags (it’s not cheating, says ME)…
And sauntered to my locker like it was just another damn day.
(Okay, so it was more like “skedaddled” than “sauntered”. CUT ME SOME SLACK. NUDE GIRL WITH THE PURPLEY HUE OF EMBARRASSMENT ACROSS HER FACE COMING THROUGH.)
I was halfway to safety when, I shit you not…
The fucking lights went out.
At first I was terrified. Naked in the dark surrounded by strangers? Notsomuch. But then I realized I had inadvertently beaten my assignment, as I was now shrouded in darkness, and I scuttled over to my locker with glee.
It would have been great if I hadn’t bumped into my office manager on the way.
Sigh. It ain’t easy bein’ green me.
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